So I met her through Ashley; cool Ashley, not Ashleigh Stevenson, the klepto. Apparently she was her friend from like high school or something, they grew up in Wisconsin together -- which is wild because this chick did not look like she’d fit in there.
Super tall, super fit; bitch she was built like a chocolate Wonder Woman. She had long-ass braids like Beyonce in the Formation music video, except they were grey, and her eyes were hazel, her natural eye color. I was blessedt to have the same skin tone as her, but her skin was made from actual cocoa butter, while I just rub some on and pretend. Sure, Ashley's cool, but this girl was like, Hella Cool™. She wore all black, expensive-looking clothing. Brands that I’m too broke to know. And her makeup? On point, of course. I’m sure she was highkey Instagram famous and I was just too lame to know her. She was the actual living embodiment of magic. Black Girl Magic. She was even like, super nice to me, like oh my God… how dare she.
“So like, where’s the party?” She asked us, knowing we were gonna go out that night.
And oh let me tell you, she could turn the fuck up.
She came with us to a party at like, Kigma Sappa Pi or whatever. Sigma Delta Airlines, I don’t know, I’m still not used to all these frat names, I’ve only been to like, two frat parties. Jacob Evans was there, with Tommy Smith and they were both trying to hit on her but she was too busy kicking ass in beer pong. She won, of course. We each took a shot of vodka off of a ski, and she chased her’s with tequila. Then out of nowhere Brad-fuckin-Michaels, appears -- you know, Kappa Sigma’s super hot frat president? Dude shows up with a damn funnel and everybody goes nuts. She funneled about six cans worth of beer before saying ‘fuck it’ and did a kegstand -- doing pushups as she drank.
Upside down. Doing PUSHUPS. Whilst DRINKING.
Listen... This binch was fuckin’ lit.
Suddenly I see Ashley go upstairs with Brad. Which I mean, that would have been fine if she wasn’t drinking, or at a party, or even in this situation at all. Before I could even take a step, her friend from Wisconsin was already moving towards the stairs. I could barely keep up but I trailed behind, sobering up quick to help Chocolate Wonder Woman beat the shit out of Brad and then take Ashley home. Upstairs was intensely more quiet and emptier than downstairs, as if both the music and everyone else knew not to go up there. It was the weirdest shit.
The only thing weirder was the damn Satanic blood ritual that was taking place in the room that Brad took Ashley into, and honey, let me tell you…
I was shook.
Four other frat dudes had on these tacky-ass black robes with their stupid-ass frat letters on them, standing around a pentagram formed by crushed beer cans and worn out Sperry boat shoes. Ashley was already laying in the center of them when we busted in, and as soon as we did, whatever demon they summoned came through and possessed Brad Michaels real fuckin’ quick.
At this point I didn’t know what the hell was goin’ on. But believe me when I say that Ashley’s friend was cool as shit -- ‘cause she went off.
Binch unsheathed two twin cross-shaped blades and chucked them straight into Brad’s demon-occupied chest, before jumping into the air and landing another two into the sides of dude’s neck. Deadass; I could hear “Back In Black” by AC/DC playing on full blast during all of this, too, is if it were a fight scene in a Marvel movie, or something, except, you know, with a lot more blood and a Black female lead. She even went in slow motion and shit when she took out the other boys who tried to stop her. Yeah. The boys definitely died. But was I stressed? Nah. Demon Hunter Homegirl from Wisconsin came to town, got turnt with us, killed some evil spirits, and snatched my edges all in one evening.
Can you believe that?