EXT. ENCHANTED FOREST - DAY
Medieval England. After a long, sweaty journey, GALLIVAN, on horseback, comes to a crooked, mossy tower deep within the forest. The Tower has no entry, except for the closed window at the top.
GALLIVAN
(Out of breath)
Potion Seller!
(pause)
Potion Seller!?
(no response)
"Ye Who Sells Potions!?" Where art thou ! --
POTION SELLER
(A voice yelling from atop the tower)
WHOMST?? WHOMST?!!... WHOMST DARE TRESPASS UPON THESE SACRED GROUNDS, AND AWAKEN THE GREAT POTION SELLER FROM HER SLUMBER?
GALLIVAN
It is I, S--
POTION SELLER
(Interrupting)
WHAT FOOL HAS COME TO DIE FOR SUCH A FOOLISH ACT, AND SHALT BECOME AN EXAMPLE FOR THE FOOLS-STILL-TO-COME?
GALLIVAN
No other than I, S--
POTION SELLER
(Interrupting, again)
WHOSE BITCH ASS SHALL NOW BE KICK'ITH'D???
GALLIVAN
Tis I! Sir Gallivan The Gentle. First son of King William, and heir to the Throne of--
POTION SELLER
BE GONE, THOT!
GALLIVAN
(Calling out)
I am here in search of a potion!
POTION SELLER slams open the window and appears at the top of the tower.
POTION SELLER
A potion u say?
GALLIVAN
(In shock)
Thou aren't as ugly as the legend foretold!
POTION SELLER
"The Legend" is a tired old hag who doesn't know how to mind ye own business.
GALLIVAN
It is known that The Great Potion Seller sells many powerful potions... Strong enough to break any curse.
POTION SELLER
(Creepily, mocking a child's voice)
"Potion Seller, Potion Seller; To thee I give thy purse. Name your price; for I'd give my life, to break this hellish curse."
GALLIVAN
That was quite unpleasant but, yes, that is how the tale goes.
POTION SELLER
(Without an accent)
What do you need a potion for?
GALLIVAN
...Pardon?
POTION SELLER
Oh, shit, (English accent returns) For why is thou in need'th of an Potion?
GALLIVAN
I do not understand --
POTION SELLER
PRITHEE, GOOD SIR. FOR WHAT'TH DOES THOU NEED'ITH AN POTION FOR?
GALLIVAN
Ah yes! My love has mysteriously fallen under a dark spell... She lays motionless in a curse'd slumber. I believe only a potion of your's is strong enough to save her!
POTION SELLER
(Rolling her eyes)
Let me guess, "True Love's Kiss" just wasn't enough?
GALLIVAN
A Kiss? Without thy love's consent? Why, that would be uncourtly of me.
POTION SELLER
(Surprised)
...Quite shookith that ye said that.
GALLIVAN
Prithee, Great Potion Seller! Sell me your finest potion! Just the very thought of losing my Love wounds me... I shalt not return without an ailment!
POTION SELLER
(Watching him carefully)
Tell me, Good Sir Gallivan. Is this fair lady really your one true love?
GALLIVAN
I love her with every inch of my unworthy soul, Great Potion Seller!
POTION SELLER
How does thou know ye are "in love"?
GALLIVAN
(Hesitant)
How.. how else doth one know?
POTION SELLER
(Smiles))
Doth her blue eyes seem to twinkle when you gaze upon them?
GALLIVAN
(Grins as he remembers)
Yes... Like sapphires reflecting moonlight!
POTION SELLER
Doth her soft touch feel like fire; a warm sensation that you long to hold?
GALLIVAN
Yes! A sensation that only she can cause!
POTION SELLER
Doth your love smell like fresh Oatmeal Raisin? Like the cookies ye mum use to make?
GALLIVAN
Yes, exactly! But how did ye know that--
POTION SELLER
AHA! Just as I suspected. These are the sign of a sinner. Thou aren't in love. Thou art in LUST. You pine after this maiden like a hungry dog.
GALLIVAN
(Gasp!)
How dare ye denounce my love for--
POTION SELLER
No curse as strong as this one can be broken without a test of true love. A "TRUE Test of True Love."
GALLIVAN
Prithee, Great Potion Seller, give me this test! I assure you, as my love IS true; I shall not fail.
POTION SELLER
(Smiles and stares down at GALLIVAN)
Then tell me, Good Sir Gallivan the Gentle. Would ye give all of ye fortune for thy fair lady?
GALLIVAN
...Take all of the gold that I own, Great Potion Seller. My wealth means nothing if not a means to save my belove'd.
POTION SELLER
...But what of the marvelous gifts you wish to buy her? Jewels, gowns, and Gucci Belts? How else will you show her you love her, when words are not enough?
GALLIVAN
I'll show her by holding her in a sweet embrace, as I kiss her lips, softly. Ye olde Actions, speak'ith louder than Words.
POTION SELLER
(Gags)
GALLIVAN
Only a fool would put materials before his maiden.
POTION SELLER
Aye, a fool ye'd be, indeed. But True Love costs more than gold. Nay; even all ye fortune shant be enough to save her life, Good Sir Gallivan.
GALLIVAN
Why of course true love triumphs over gold. But if not riches, then what can I trade for thee?
POTION SELLER
(Smiles))
Good Sir Gallivan The Gentle... First son of King William. Would'st thou trade thy kingdom for thy true love?
GALLIVAN
Thy... kingdom?
POTION SELLER
Yes, ye scallywag, thy kingdom.
GALLIVAN
I am but a Prince, My Father is still King --
POTION SELLER
Would'st thou sign a legal document that binds you to selling thy kingdom to me (when thou is King) to save your precious true love?
GALLIVAN
I... perchance, I could --
POTION SELLER
(Gasp!)
Do ye hesitate, Sir Gallivan??
GALLIVAN
Nay! I --
POTION SELLER
A kingdom over the woman you love, Sir Gallivan??
GALLIVAN
I would never! --
POTION SELLER
(Sarcastic)
Wow what a great king you'll be.
GALLIVAN
But, I --
POTION SELLER
Yer fockin' shite, Sir Gallivan.
GALLIVAN
(Unsheathed sword, pointing it at POTION SELLER. He has a more serious tone.)
I have no quarrel with thee, Potion Seller, but if you shall choose to continue, I may be privy towards violence.
POTION SELLER smashes a potion and with a poof, appears in front of Gallivan.
GALLIVAN
(Is shook'ith)
I- I am not shook'ith by your sorcery, Potion Seller.
POTION SELLER
Ye would kill an innocent potion seller for your one true love?
GALLIVAN
I pray it shall not come to that, M'lady, but --
POTION SELLER
Gross, don't call me that.
GALLIVAN
-- I pray it shall not come to that. But I would indeed'ith risk my life for her.
POTION SELLER
Well, then, Sir Gallivan The Gentle... First son of King William, and heir to the Throne of... Wherever-Ye-Doth-From. Would'st thou give thy soul for thy One True Love?
GALLIVAN
Give ye my wot??
POTION SELLER
Ye heard me, thy SOUL.
GALLIVAN
My wot?
POTION SELLER
Ye SOUL.
GALLIVAN
Nay! That's pro-posterous!
POTION SELLER
Nay it's, "preposterous," ye uncultured swine. And nay, it is not preposterous. It is the True Test of True Love©!
GALLIVAN
How would I live to love my love when I am without a soul? Is a soul not that which gives us the ability to love? Doth a soul not makes us human, and give us purpose to live and love?
POTION SELLER
Chill out, Brethren! Can't ye see?? To give up one's life is the truest test of love. Has thou not seen Disney's Hercules?!?
GALLIVAN blinks and stares.
POTION SELLER
...unCULTURED!
GALLIVAN
Prithee, Great and Grand Potion Seller! I pray thee, enough of this foolishness! I am Gallivan the Gentle, not Gallivan the Gullible. I have been patient, but no longer will I play along with your games. Name your price, fair and square, and ye shall have it.
POTION SELLER
(Uses the creepy child voice from before to recite poem)
"Potion Seller, Potion Seller; To thee I give thy purse. Name your price; for I'd give my life, to break this hellish curse.
(Smiles)
I have named my price, and that price is your life, Sir Gallivan.
(Pause)
Fair'ith and square'ith, I'd say.
GALLIVAN
But without my soul, how will I --
POTION SELLER
Oh sweet, simple, pale White man. A contract would be in order, of course.
(She reveals a sketchy piece of paper)
Sign hither, hither, and hither.
GALLIVAN
But how will I --
POTION SELLER
How will you "hold her in ye sweet embrace, and kiss 'er soft, oatmeal lips" without a soul? Easily. For I won't be taking ye soul right this instance. You shall be free to live the rest of your life until fate decides to end it. Yet, rather than join thy love in the sweet afterlife, your soul shall belong to me.
(pause)
Does thou understand, Good Sir Gallivan?
GALLIVAN
(Contemplating)
...Give my soul... to save the one I love.
POTION SELLER
(Reveals a glowing bottle.)
A worthy trade, for a potion so dank. ... Do ye truly love thy fairest Gwendolyn?
GALLIVAN
Of course I love... -- Now, just hold on just a minute... How doth thy know the name of my love?
POTION SELLER
Answer me, Sir Gallivan! Dost thou love her!?
GALLIVAN
(Anger building)
How doth ye know?!?
POTION SELLER
YE HOEBAG, DO YE LOVE HER !?!?
GALLIVAN draws sword against POTION SELLER's throat.
GALLIVAN
THOU ART A DECEITFUL WITCH! How does thou know of my love's blue eyes!? How does thou know my love's sweet scent? How does thou know my true love's name?!? Was it YE who cursed my belove'd Gwendolyn!? Tell me, or I shall SMITE thee where ye stand!
GALLIVAN and the POTION SELLER stare each other down.
POTION SELLER
(Smiles)
Sir Gallivan the Grouch,
(Yawns)
I grow quite tired of this game. Hither.
POTION SELLER tosses a purple, glowing potion, and GALLIVAN just barely catches it.
POTION SELLER
Thou has past the test. Be on ye merry way.
GALLIVAN
(Confused)
But... Great Potion Seller... I don't understand.
POTION SELLER begins to float backwards and upwards towards the window of the tower.
POTION SELLER
(Calling out)
Tis but a test of strength, wit and love! And you, Good Sir Gallivan, have passed. Ye have deemed yeself worthy; the potion ye seek is now yours. Go to your Gwendolyn. Free her from her curse.
GALLIVAN
...Many thanks, Great Potion Seller.
POTION SELLER
Yes, but henceforth, Young Prince. Heed my warning... Should thou ever threaten me life again...
(pause)
I'll fockin burst ye.
GALLIVAN and POTION SELLER lock eyes and stare each other down. GALLIVAN simply nods and turns to gallop away. POTION SELLER watches him leave.
POTION SELLER
"Potion Seller, Potion Seller; To thee I give thy purse."
(Smiles))
"Refuse to pay, and she'll find a way, to make the curse much worse."
THE END